So what's it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that I don't recommend it.

[violsva]

I've had about six jobs since graduating.

The ones I really liked were working as a poll clerk for Elections Canada and Ontario. Unfortunately this is one day every four years, more or less. Probably part of it was that I didn't have time to get tired of it.

I spent one day answering phones and calling people to confirm orders for an advertising agency, nearly had a panic attack at lunch, and got the hell out the next morning.

The longest one was part time office assistant work for my boyfriend's mother. Very accommodating, nice people, data entry gives me panic attacks. I don't know why.

Currently I'm a substitute resident Friend for my Meeting, which is something like receptionist/hotel desk clerk/housekeeper, except it's never very busy. It's excellent except that I tend to spend half an hour after pleasant conversations with nice people talking myself down from a panic attack. Also it ends next week.

There was also babysitting, which I am good at except that I don't like children, and restaurant hostessing, which is not fun. I liked being a catering waitress, but again, never doing it for long enough to get tired of it.

Incidentally, none of them have made enough to live on, if I had to. Except the ad agency.

So I need another job. Except that even a very easy job in an environment I'm comfortable with makes me panicky. (I am seeing a psychiatrist. That's not the point.)

And the idea of looking for work makes me much more panicky. I am sending out some applications and doing SmartServe, but that's not addressing the main problem.

Or I could go back to school, which is what I actually want to do, but that would require having some idea what I want to do in the long term, and I don't. And I can't focus on planning for anything long term even when I try, and everything seems very abstract. [I'm pretty sure this is a classical symptom of depression. Knowing what's causing the things in my head only helps to a certain point. But it does help, okay.]

What I really want to do is go back to grad school in Classics or English, but then I'll be in exactly this situation only worse in two or however many years. University made me happy.

I've had this exact problem for ages and no idea what to do with it.


I was not actually expecting that to be as cathartic as it was.

Subject line quote from Bill Watterson.

Comments

[enemyofperfect]

I tend to spend half an hour after pleasant conversations with nice people talking myself down from a panic attack.

I don't think I often have full-fledged panic attacks (and when I do, the trigger is rarely social), but otherwise, oh my word, this describes so much of my life.