We Can't Rewind, We've Gone Too Far

So my medium-term plan is to go to college to become an electrical technician (we're calling this Project Tesla). In order to do this I need to take grade 12 math, since I skipped it the first time round because it was optional and I was really into literature and also for reasons we won't go into I missed a lot of junior high math so I didn't have the necessary background to do well in math in high school.

I started doing that in an online course last week. I was worried about this because I do not trust my ability to self-motivate, but so far I've done at least an hour of math every single day for over a week now.

And earlier today I had a lot of free-floating anxiety and then I went, "Okay, I'm going to do my math homework." And I did. And then I felt better.

It's reasonable: I focused on something specific with no emotions attached for a fixed length of time--but it's so far from what I expect of myself.

And Mom's in Italy right now and I have been calmly cooking and doing the laundry and picking up the mail and so on. While working and also seeing people. For that matter, I have a medium-term life plan right now.

It's not perfect--the next two weeks are going to be busy and work keeps changing my schedule on me and it's concerning. But I can look at the pros and cons of, say, going to the climate protest tomorrow morning, and be reasonably confident in what effect it will have on me and that I can deal with that effect.

This is because I am properly medicated and had useful therapy earlier this year. But it's so weird.

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UPDATE: Pixies noped out slightly after I did (though to a different room, so we didn't realize); my assumptions about people's reactions to me, having been formed by teenage trauma, are unduly pessimistic and I always forget this; am still unsocial but more comfortable.

Well, it's a good thing I finished my Yuletide assignment early, because this depression is not making things look good for finishing the treat I've got half done.

(Or even yumadrin. Oh dear.)

ETA 27th: finished treat, no drabbles, go me.

And this, which I could queue on tumblr when I wasn't feeling fragile and then went ack when I was about to repost it but look, people, I know Greek.

Sappho; translated by, um, me

That man seems equal to the gods
to me, who sits across from you
and from so close can hear your sweet
speaking

and lovely laughter, as they force
my heart to shudder in my chest.
For when I briefly look at you,
speaking is lost,

instead my tongue sticks, subtly
a fire runs under my skin,
my eyes see nothing, roaring fills
my ears,

cold sweat pours over me, trembling
grips all of me, and pale as grass
I am; I seem to be so close
to dying.

But all must be endured, since
a poor and [

Did laundry
Said "mm-hm" on the phone with my mother for 20 minutes
Updated wall calendar

Back to work tomorrow, which I suspect may not go well. No sleep last night.

Finished and backed needlepoint from November. Let's see if I can get that here from Tumblr.

( Crappy webcam image )

Cleaned bathroom.
Filled in literal accounting for the last two weeks.
Wrote more than 300 words.
Went out with knumpify and talked about stuff and bought books and felt better about self and work prospects, and may have helped with his stuff a little too.

I feel like I did more than that. Well, woke up at seven, for a start.

Returned library books.
Went to Mom's for dinner.
Made a Tumblr. Don't ask me why. Icons will be showing up once a day for the next two weeks, and thereafter very rarely as I make them.

Done:

Took out garbage and recycling
Talked to Mom
Researched psychotherapists
Had dinner with Dad
Wrote 300ish words and filled up one of the major gaps in the last chapter of Arte Regendus
Set up dropbox for writing stuff with knumpify


I've thought of something I could actually do with Tumblr. Still don't like Tumblr or its implied philosophy, but many things on it make me happy.
Also knumpify has writing projects.
Also I've had this list of magazines around for a while, probably time to start thinking about actually submitting things.

Things done today:

Did some research on early 20thC Toronto
Told relatives (the important ones)
Talked to knumpify
Went grocery shopping
Read Fun Home by Alison Bechdel
Wrote over 600 words

So I saw Frozen on New Year's with my sister, which was exactly how to do it. I don't know if I like it as a movie (Can't stand the comic relief character, but can't stand Disneyish comic relief in general) but I certainly like the message. It's also one of the Bechdel Test passing movies that outperformed everything else this year. If you want to see it go see it in theatres.

There was a wind chill warning for a bit Thursday and Friday, so I saw it at the perfect time. Not very cold in my apartment, though - in fact I have to remember not to open the door to the boiler room or it gets way too humid here.

On the other hand, it has an awesome triumphant musical number about being yourself and being awesome and abandoning all your friends and relatives and responsibilities so you can be alone for the rest of your life. It's very catchy. Elsa's issues are actually quite a good metaphor for an anxiety disorder, at least at the beginning.

Brain continues attempting to eat itself. We persist.